Learning to Choose Peace over Patterns.

When I look for topics to write about, I often catch myself wondering if they will matter to anyone else or if they are spiritual enough. It makes me smile because the truth is that everything we choose as humans is rooted in the soul. Even the choices that feel everyday or ordinary are guided from a deeper place. So today, I wanted to write about something that has shaped me more than almost anything else. The long road into a healthy relationship after a lifetime of not so healthy ones, and the way it feels to open your heart again when you have been single and standing on your own for more than thirteen years.

There were relationships sprinkled between my divorce and now, but nothing stuck. Looking back, they weren’t meant to. I would have repeated the patterns I was working so hard to break. The awareness alone that I did not want to repeat those cycles was a gift that arrived quietly during my separation and divorce. My soul had reached its limit, and it was time to do the work. And let me be honest, it was not the gentle kind of work. Healing after a narcissistic marriage is like trying to put a puzzle together without knowing the original picture. I did not know I was empathic. I did not even know what the word meant. I only knew that I kept attracting situations that asked me to lose myself in someone else and then wonder why it hurt.

Dating in my early forties was my mirror. I kept trying to fill the parts of myself that felt empty by hoping someone else would love those parts for me. It took fifteen years to understand that the people I allowed in my life were never the problem or the solution. They were clues. They were lessons. They were reflections of everything I still needed to heal and everything I was still searching for.

I joke that I tried on a lot of shoes, or kissed a lot of frogs but it was never about finding a prince. It was always about finding my peace. Every date, every almost relationship, every moment I sat across the table from someone and felt myself shrink or expand taught me to ask one question that became my compass. Do I feel safe and at peace with this person. It seems simple, but it changes everything.

There were a lot of first and last dates. There were a few hopeful moments that led me to a deeper question. Is this really what you want or are you trying to be grateful for crumbs because the meal is not being offered. I remember going on a few dates with a doctor who had just moved to the area. He was nice, checked every box you would think should matter, and still, something felt off. He was working through his own emotional pain. We were in different places, wanting different things. My soul knew it before my mind caught up.

One night on the way to an event where I was doing readings, we had planned to go to dinner afterward. I was torn. Part of me wanted to go and see if things would shift, and the deeper part of me knew they would not. So I did something I rarely do. I asked my guides for a very specific sign. If I need to cancel this date, please send me 333. Clear as day, no wiggle room. As I drove down this southern country road, oak trees lining both sides and sunlight weaving through the branches like gold threads, I looked up and saw a mailbox post with 333 on it. One mile before I arrived. There are moments in life where the universe speaks so loudly that you cannot pretend not to hear it. This was one of them.

As soon as I pulled up to the event, I text him and canceled kindly, asked if we could talk afterward, and he agreed with so much grace that it felt like closure wrapped in kindness. We talked honestly. No blame, no ghosting, no heaviness. Just two people understanding that wanting different things is enough of a reason to say thank you and move on. It was one of my first moments of real progress.

After that, something in me shifted. I started to live differently. I no longer needed the rush of dating or the validation of being wanted. I quietly started to enjoy my own company. I took day trips by myself. I booked my first solo cross country vacation because it had lived on my bucket list for years. I stood beneath the redwoods. I watched the water spray at Multnomah Falls. I drove down the west coast highway stopping wherever my heart pulled me. I saw haystack rock, the wizards hat, and a seal swimming freely in the ocean. I visited Ireland with my daughter and stood at the Cliffs of Moher feeling like the world had opened itself back up to me.

Choosing my own joy became my north star. Travel became a way of remembering who I was before life asked me to be everything for everyone else. I was discovering myself again. And with every new place, every new view, every moment I stood somewhere I had chosen for myself, my spirit felt more and more like it was coming home.

The thing about healing is that the outside noise gets louder right before it stops mattering. You hear all the familiar voices. You are too picky. You will end up alone. You should just settle. But I reached a point where being alone was not a punishment. It was a clearing. It was space to breathe. It was a chance to build a life that made sense to me.

And yes, loneliness still showed up some nights, but I had an incredible circle of friends who became my soul family. My friend group got smaller, more aligned, and more intentional. My friendships stopped feeling like obligations. They became safe places where we could laugh about everything, cry about the hard parts, and be fully ourselves without judgment. There was no anxiety, no fear of being misunderstood, no competition. Just ease. Just peace. Just love.

I can celebrate my journey now. I walked through years of muddy situations to get here. Users, cheaters, manipulators, mirrored wounds, and wrong turns that felt right until they taught me otherwise. And yet, I would live every chapter again if it led me back to this version of myself. The one who trusts her intuition. The one who chooses peace. The one who knows that healing shifts the people you attract because healing shifts the person you are.

And now, being in a healthy relationship feels like stepping into a life I once hoped for but never imagined I would actually experience. It feels unfamiliar at times because it is safe. It is steady. It is loving without conditions. It asks nothing of me except to be myself. The version of me who learned to love her own company. The version of me who listens to her guides. The version of me who knows that every choice is a soul choice and every road, even the hard ones, leads us back to our truth.

In the end, this is what I hope you take from my sharing a piece of my journey. You do not need to rush what is meant for you. You only need to stay faithful to your inner peace and let that be your compass. When you choose yourself with clarity and love, life rises to meet you. Every soul aligned connection that enters your life will feel like recognition, not rescue.

And on a final note, in every relationship, romantic or otherwise, the love that matches this version of you will never ask you to shrink in order to be chosen.